If I could live in New York the rest of my life, I absolutely would, but it's also prohibitively expensive and you have to be working. New York is a lot nicer when you have a job.

I'm good at asking other people questions, but I'm not really good at answering questions.

I think NASCAR's coming to Canada now so it'll take on a whole new relevance. Be afraid.

It is so expensive to take care of my hair and keep it looking like I was born with it, when my real hair is the color of rat fur.

A lot of comedy is really DIY. You're kind of doing it yourself.

When you can agree on one thing, you should have no expectation that suddenly a person is converted to your way of thinking. You have to be willing to be frustrated constantly.

Christmas: It's the only religious holiday that's also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.