You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage.

My mom was always someone who if, even now, I say I met a certain famous person, she always says, "She's married to so and so!"

I buy water at the liquor store across the street from where I live. So I'm walking into the door, and standing, loitering, outside the door is a man. And I walk by him to go in, and he says, "I want pussy!" Now, I don't want to seem conceited or anything, but he was talking about me!

I don't want to deconstruct what I do.

I'm so much more famous than I am financially successful. I mean, I live in a three-room apartment. I mostly make free videos on my couch. But I am fine.

Look at the people who are kind of the funniest cultures, they're the cultures of the people who have been the most oppressed, black people and Jews. Not that they're the only funny people, but culturally, it comes from the pain, you know?

Don’t forget, God can see you masturbating. But don’t stop. He’s almost there.