You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage.

I dress normal because I want people to treat me regular. And their brains explode. It's really fun.

Unvisited tombstones, unread diaries, and erased video game high-score rankings are three of the most potent symbols of mankind's pathetic and fruitless attempts at immortality.

The good news is hopeful doesn't mean dumb. The bad news is cynical doesn't mean smart.

Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

I hope the Jews did kill Christ, I'd do it again in a second.