Librarians are like crack dealers when it comes to hooking small children.

And I'm a pair of pants with a hole scorched through the ass?

Some guys step on a rake in the dark, and get mad and go punch somebody. Others step on a rake in the dark and fall down laughing at themselves. I know which kind of guy I'd rather be. So do my friends.

Sexual intercourse vests no property rights.

In 1971, after seven years in college, with that magic piece of paper clutched triumphantly in my fist, the best job I was able to get was night watchman on a sewer project in Babylon, N.Y. guarding a hole in the ground to prevent anyone from stealing it. God bless the American educational system!

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

honesty is hard work.