The phrase 'I just turn on my monkey and it makes me feel good' sounds very dirty, but I can't explain why. It's great to try to use expressions like that on the comics page. People want to complain but they can't, because they can't figure out quite what they should be complaining about.

Basically, I learned to read by reading 'Peanuts,' just wanting to know what they were saying.

If a restaurant offers crayons, I always take them and color throughout the meal. It beats talking to the people I came to dinner with.

I'm very harsh on real estate agents. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because of how the call every small house 'charming' and every run-down house a 'great fixer-upper'. Just once, I'd like them to show me a house and declare, 'This one's a piece of crap'.

It's best to love your family as you would a Siberian tiger-from a distance, preferably separated by bars.

If you put me in South Park, that audience is going to fall asleep in five minutes.

Most poetry just confounds me. I really want to like it, but I can't help thinking it's a hoax. (p. 24)