Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?

You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.

If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it enough. Until it becomes true. Or do I need to repeat that for you?

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.