Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.

Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.

Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.

Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.

I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.

If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.