I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.

You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.

Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.