If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?

Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I'm not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it's at least Gay-rusalem.

I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.

The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, "I wish I could say what you say." What I don't understand is, why can't they say what I say, even in their own way? Does that mean they want to be able to name certain bald contradictions or hypocrisies that politicians have?

Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.