If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?

I used to play a narcissistic-conservative pundit. Now, I'm just a narcissist.

Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.

I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.