If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?

Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

I'm just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.

If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing.

I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in reality. And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.

We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us.