If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy.

If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing.

Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.

Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.