We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you think about Harriet Miers, of course her nomination is absurd. But the President didn't say he thought about his selection. He said this: "I know her heart." Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn't have to. He feels the truth about Harriet Miers.

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.

I'm just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.

I used to play a narcissistic-conservative pundit. Now, I'm just a narcissist.

Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.