Speak from the balls, not from the diaphram.

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.

That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.

The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.