Speak from the balls, not from the diaphram.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics.

Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.

We [comics] create our own reality on the show. I'm in a cocoon of the character's creation. Even within that reality, he's in a cocoon. While I'm an improviser and enjoy discovery, the show follows a script. I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen. It's a very ­crafted, controlled environment.

I don't know a lot about politics. I like talking about human behavior. Politicians are funny to me because they often say one thing and behave a different way.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.