First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.

If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.

I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.