First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.

President Bush, have a hot dog with me.

I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.