First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.

Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all.

Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.

I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican apologist? ... Mr. President, it is time to hire the folks who've never let you down. Limbaugh at Health and Human Services. Hannity at State. Then give Rummy the Medal of Freedom and install Bill O'Reilly as secretary of defense. Only problem, you might find yourself invading Vermont. And I'll replace Chertoff at Homeland Security. The man's done nothing to control the bear population.

Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.