Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!

If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it enough. Until it becomes true. Or do I need to repeat that for you?

You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.

You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.