Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.

You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character.

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

It's clear that when we're this outnumbered by the creatures, we have to take a page from the British Empire and rule the lesser species through intimidation. That's why the single most important thing you can do as a human is to dominate an animal. Need more proof?Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground. I'd say that about covers it.

John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody's compensating for his small government.