I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock

...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.

Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.

Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.