I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

You seem cynical because you're always talking about that selfish behavior that's dressed up as altruism. It doesn't mean there isn't altruism. It just means that it's harder to make jokes about altruism.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in reality. And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?