It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.

...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

Nothing is more vintage than dying of Rubella.

And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.

You may learn sooner than most generations the hard lesson that you must always make the path for yourself...There is no secret society out there that will tap you on your shoulder one night and show you the way.