It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, "What? What's that? I can't hear you

Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding?

I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black 'at' people. I didn't just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet.