The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear

Hatemongers like Media Matters take innocent statements like mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, and Bill O'Reilly's and make them offensive by posting them on the Internet, allowing the general public to hear words that were meant for people who already agree with us. Hey, Media Matters, you want to end offensive speech? Then stop recording it for people who would be offended.

Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.

I imagined myself living in New York in some sort of open, large but sparse studio apartment with a lot of blond wood and a futon on the floor and a bubbling samovar of tea in the background and a big beard - living alone but with my beard - and doing theater. That's what I thought my life would be.

For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.

Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.