Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.

Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?

Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.

I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat.

As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.