Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.

I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.