People would say, "Oh, you say you just do jokes." I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They saved my life when I was younger. Hopefully we're making things nicer at the end of the day for people. That's the entire goal, and that's the touchstone and the North Star for the tone.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

Equations are the devil's sentences.

Speak from the balls, not from the diaphram.

Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.

Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.