In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say "congratulations.

I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory

Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.

My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'

Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

I'm getting angry at liberals.

Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.