In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say "congratulations.

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

I'm just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?

For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.