In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.

If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing.

There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties since 1887. They're seeking $100 billion. Here's the good news: The government has responded what I believe is an appropriate counteroffer: A two-cent Navajo stamp.