Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.

I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.