There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.

My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'

This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.

A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties since 1887. They're seeking $100 billion. Here's the good news: The government has responded what I believe is an appropriate counteroffer: A two-cent Navajo stamp.

Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.