There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

A lot of people have said, "Oh, I, boy, I wish Hillary Clinton would just go away."

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.

The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do is not hit them. I'm more comfortable improvising. If I have just two or three ideas and I know how the character feels, what the character wants, everything in between is like trapeze work.

President Bush, have a hot dog with me.

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.