There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us.

I stand by this man (President George W. Bush). I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound.. with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!

Even the weather page is in a state of moral decay. What?s wrong with red, white and blue, USA Today? This rainbow weather map is just another example of the homometerological agenda.