There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.

Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.