There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay.

I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back.

North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'