Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

I'm for the Wall Street Occupiers. But will they accept me when they find out I sell packaged mortgage default instruments to children?

I always think back to my high school days and realize all the people who were so popular then are nowhere now and all the people who were steadfast and steady-going are somewhere. So high school doesn't necessarily translate to later in life.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

I just respected comedians whether they were or they weren't, from, you know, new or old.

Talent is the ability to say things well, but genius is the ability to, well, say things.