I actually learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs. And it was good. Go ahead and laugh. I think the most important thing I learned was: Never let go of the girl's leg, no matter how hard she tries to shake you off.

You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? Take them to a museum and say, 'This is art, and you can't do it.

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

Were they beautiful? We were all beautiful. We were in our twenties.

Women have choices, and men have responsibilities.

To have someone play off and be with a band is more pleasurable.