It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it - The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

I would like a wine. The purpose of the wine is to get me drunk. A bad wine will get me as drunk as a good wine. I would like the good wine. And since the result is the same no matter which wine I drink, I'd like to pay the bad wine price.

Why sip from a tea cup, when you can drink from the river.

With comedy, you have no place to go but more comedy, so you're never off the hook.

If he thinks he would harm Mirabelle, he would back away. But he does not yet understand when and how people are hurt. He doesn't understand the subtleties of slights and pains, that it is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars

The teen years are extremely serious and everything matters and every insult really hurts. I know there are cliques and bullying. And you don't yet ­understand that it will all go away.