I like naked women! I'm a bloke! I'm supposed to like them! We're born like that. We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one... When Man invented fire, he didn't say "Hey, let's cook!" He said: "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!"... The story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms.

You should always waste time when you don't have any. Time is not the boss of you. Rule 408.

Well we've moved through the funfair a bit – we've done the rollercoaster, now we're on the ghost train.

My problem is that the audience is more fiction-literate than ever. In Shakespeare's day, you probably expected to see a play once or twice in your life; today you experience four or five different kinds of fiction every day. So staying ahead of the audience is impossible.

River Song: Right, I have questions. But number one is this: what in the name of sanity have you got on your head? The Doctor: It's a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool.

You don't want to take over the universe. You wouldn't know what to do with it beyond shout at it.

Between the marriages, I shagged my way round television studios like a mechanical digger.