When they bury me in a church and chuck earth on my grave, I'd like the words 'Well, at least he tried' engraved on my tombstone.

He drove me home in the van, complaining, 'Women only like me for my mind'.

I'm capable of looking on the bright side. I just don't do it very often.

Diazapam (that's valium), temazepam, lithium, ECT, HRT - how long must I stay on this stuff? Don't give me anymore!

Because you wear a uniform, a smelly uniform...and so you think you can be rude to me.

I think I'm a realist. Which people who don't like me consider to be pessimism. It isn't pessimism at all. If I was a pessimist I wouldn't get up, I wouldn't shave, I wouldn't watch Batman at 7:30 a.m. Pessimists just don't do that sort of thing.

All of us, ultimately, we're not that interesting, when it comes down to it.