I smoke 'cos I'm hoping for an early death and I need to cling to something.

The rhino is now more or less extinct, and it's not because of global warming or shrinking habitats. It's because of Beyonce's handbags.

Now I know how Joan of Arc felt.

You made me feel less alone; you made me feel not quite so deformed, uninformed and hunchbacked.

It may all end tomorrow, or it could go on forever (in which case I'm doomed).

Whoever says the Smiths have split shall be severely spanked by me with a wet plimsoll.

The Brits are ghastly. I never would accept a Brit. It would be like Laurence Olivier being happy getting a TV Times award.