Barry Kent's father looks like a big ape and has got more hair on the back of his hands than my father has got on his entire head.

I don't know why women are so mad about flowers. Personally, they leave me cold. I prefer trees.

8.45 a.m. My mother is in the hospital grounds smoking a cigarette. She is looking old and haggard. All the debauchery is catching up with her.

I'm spectacularly disorganised. I wrote my latest book in seven different notebooks scattered throughout my house.

I took my sight and mobility for granted.

Will you lie to me and promise to read them? Books need to be read. The pages need to be turned.

I asked Mr. Vann which O levels you need to write situation comedy for television. Mr. Vann said that you don't need qualifications at all, you just need to be a moron.