Will you lie to me and promise to read them? Books need to be read. The pages need to be turned.

Yes, I hate it when people call me a 'national treasure'. It takes away your bite and makes you feel like a harmless old golden Labrador.

I asked Mr. Vann which O levels you need to write situation comedy for television. Mr. Vann said that you don't need qualifications at all, you just need to be a moron.

Sometimes I rant, in a comical way, about how the gods give with one hand and take with the other.

I'm spectacularly disorganised. I wrote my latest book in seven different notebooks scattered throughout my house.

It's no surprise to me that intellectuals commit suicide, go mad or die from drink. We feel things more than other people. We know the world is rotten and that chins are ruined by spots.

There's only one thing more boring than listening to other people's dreams, and that's listening to their problems.