They say it's the good girls who keep diaries. The bad girls never have the time. Me, I just wanna live a life I'm gonna remember even if I don't write it down.

I'm the foe of moderation, the champion of excess.

It's one of the tragic ironies of the theatre that only one man in it can count on steady work - the night watchman.

Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.

I have three phobias which, could I mute them, would make my life as slick as a sonnet, but as dull as ditch water: I hate to go to bed, I hate to get up, and I hate to be alone.

Whatever you have read I have said is almost certainly untrue, except if it is funny, in which case I definitely said it.

Don't think this has taught me a lesson !