I have been absolutely hag-ridden with ambition. If I could wish to have anything in the world it would be to be free of ambition.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Whatever you have read I have said is almost certainly untrue, except if it is funny, in which case I definitely said it.

Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know - I've been using it for years.

I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.

I'd rather be strongly wrong than weakly right.

[To the critic who wrote a negative review:] I am sitting in the smallest room of the house. Your review is before me. Soon it will be behind me.