It must be powerful language if you canna make oout what the heel it’s goin’ on aboot!

The universe contains any amount of horrible ways to be woken up, such as the noise of the mob breaking down the front door, the scream of fire engines, or the realization that today is the Monday which on Friday night was a comfortably long way off. A dog's wet nose is not strictly speaking the worst of the bunch, but it has it's own peculiar dreadfulness which connoisseurs of the ghastly and dog owners everywhere have come to know and dread. It's like having a small piece of defrosting liver pressed lovingly against you.

They say that the eyes of some paintings can follow you around the room, a fact that I doubt, but I am wondering whether some music can follow you for ever.

You were the kind of kid who couldn't see the difference between throwing rocks at a cat and setting it on fire.

Chain-mail isn't much defence against an arrow. It certainly isn't when the arrow is being aimed between your eyes.

I had a deprived childhood, you see. I had lots of other kids to play with and my parents bought me outdoor toys and refused to ill-treat me, so it never occurred to me to seek solitary consolation with a good book.

I wish that the people who sing about the deeds of heroes would think about the people who have to clear up after them.