Worried about a skin condition? Leap smartly into a bath of porridge.

Jamie Oliver's lunch is soup, half a papaya with lime, ciabatta with mozzarella and prosciutto. The dear boy is not sharing the same planet as the rest of us. Is this lunacy supposed to be a practical suggestion for a harassed housewife trying to drag her children off to school?

But they're laughing at you. They're not laughing with you.

I suppose I should make a little apology to Cyndi - although I'm not taking the blame for this - because I was the one who did say Cyndi had won.

Worried about a skin condition? Leap smartly into a bath of porridge.

Who knows what hellish future lies ahead? ... Actually, I do. I've seen the rehearsals.

Don't start drinking before the fifth song.