Sometimes we and the members of Coldplay have an orgy together, (Martin) insists we don't invite any women, but I always invite a few. Usually I sing Fake Plastic Trees while he reams me from behind *Laughs* It wears me out *laughs*.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he's a goddamn chicken he doesn't know what the **** he's doing

The allegations of me being a pedophile are spurious, at best. However I will admit that taking my knickers off in the park and having an Easter Egg hunt with those apple-cheeked four year olds was in my best interest and not theirs

I bought a blimp just so I could get a bunch of wankers excited over nothing, what did you do with your weekend?

Build gaps in your life. Pauses. Proper pauses.

The thing I remember most about America is that it's silly. That can be quite a relief at times.

My nickname in high school was jack-o-lantern because I'm missing 9 teeth