I am just at tragedy right now.

I can't imagine just dusting my pants off and going about my life like, "Phew! I sure made it through a tough spot, now where am I headed?" I feel more of an obligation to be helpful.

The ideal length of time for sex to last is the entire relationship, breaking only for snacks.

I was talking and playing pranks and skipping school, failing pretty much every class I took.

I'm always going to do whatever I think is funniest. If something's dark, I'll do it. If it's a sock puppet, if it's a stool, I'll do it.

I didn't just want to be the one who was always looking around at the weird family members. I wanted to make my mistakes.

In standup, you don't have anything near you except a microphone.