The first time I went to see a Second City show, I was in awe of everything. I just wanted to touch the same stage that Gilda Radner had walked on. It was sacred ground.

In an attempt to make things easier for myself, which is the basis for all of history's worst decisions [...].

There should be a new, more honest euphemism. Like, I'm leaving office because I plan to solicit more anonymous sex in bathrooms.

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.

You know who does have a funny bone in her body? Your mom every night for a dollar.

I was like, oh, I want to sign up for "Catwoman," and then Anne Hathaway had already signed up for it.

We writers dream of a future where actors are mostly computer generated and their performances can be adjusted, by us, on a laptop, alone.