[Please let my daughter] not have to wear high heels.

There should be a new, more honest euphemism. Like, I'm leaving office because I plan to solicit more anonymous sex in bathrooms.

It’s the same reason I don’t get Hooters. Why do we need to enjoy chicken wings and boobies at the same time? Yes, they are a natural and beautiful part of the human experience. And so are boobies. But why at the same time?

Life is improvisation. All of those [improv] classes were like church to me. The training had seeped into me and changed who I am.

Lesson learned? When people say, "You really, really must" do something, it means you don't really have to. No one ever says, "You really, really must deliver the baby during labor." When it's true, it doesn't need to be said.

This made no sense to me, probably because I speak English and have never had a head injury.

We're gonna promote freedom. Usher in democratic values and ideals. And fight terror-loving terrorists.