North Korea threatened to attack if Sony Pictures released The Interview, forcing us all to pretend that we wanted to see it.

I'm still technically employed by the National Broadcasting Company.

I think for women especially, you need to have a plan. I need to have some other ways to generate income, so I don't have to stretch my face or lift the top of my head with surgery or something.

I want every day to be the most boring news day ever. I want every day to be about spelling bee champions and baby basketball. It's better to have no comedy material than a horrific news day.

You all watched a sketch about feminism and you didn't even know it because of all the jokes. It's like when Jessica Seinfeld puts spinach in kids' brownies. Suckers!

Not only is my wardrobe totally average, my body's totally average. I love all the candy-fantasy fulfillment of Sex and the City.

You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last possible second, and then you have to let it go.