It's harder to make something good when you can't curse all the time.

My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.

I got a fan letter on the back of a prison menu. And I remember thinking, 'Well, they get pie. It's not so bad. They get pie on the weekends.' I want to say blueberry and also a Boston cream pie. Not so bad.

Not only is my wardrobe totally average, my body's totally average. I love all the candy-fantasy fulfillment of Sex and the City.

In real life, people in the most dire situations must cope through humor.

...I can't possibly take time off for a second baby, unless I do, in which case that is nobody's business and I'll never regret it for a moment unless it ruins my life.

To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.