Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.

Fame doesn't matter. Money doesn't matter. Those things are forever fleeting. I just want to have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, so that when I'm long gone my great-great-grandchildren can walk up to it and say, "That's my ancestor." That will be my legacy.

Make your judgments and then you don't have to worry about it. You're always going to have those people who are offended about every little thing.

I can't watch American Idol... it's like karaoke without the booze.

If I don't offend somebody, then I'm probably not funny.

Stand-up is mine. It's a part of me.

I'm not really much into politics, because it's rarely discussed in my line of work.