I always had one ear offstage, listening for the call from the bookie.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Why don't you do the world a favour. Pull your bottom lip up over your head and swallow.

To be successful in show business, all you need are 50 good breaks.

I could play a cop, I could play a crook, I could play a lawyer, I could play a dentist, I could play an art critic-I could play the guy next door. I am the guy next door. I could play Catholic, Jewish, Protestant. As a matter of fact, when I did The Odd Couple, I would do it a different way each night. On Monday I'd be Jewish, Tuesday Italian, Wednesday Irish-German-and I would mix them up. I did that to amuse myself, and it always worked.

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.

There's no such thing as 'too late!' That's why they invented death!