Why don't you do the world a favour. Pull your bottom lip up over your head and swallow.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

The first girl you go to bed with is always pretty.

Every actor looks all his life for a part that will combine his talents with his personality... 'The Odd Couple' was mine. That was the plutonium I needed. It all started happening after that.

I could play a cop, I could play a crook, I could play a lawyer, I could play a dentist, I could play an art critic-I could play the guy next door. I am the guy next door. I could play Catholic, Jewish, Protestant. As a matter of fact, when I did The Odd Couple, I would do it a different way each night. On Monday I'd be Jewish, Tuesday Italian, Wednesday Irish-German-and I would mix them up. I did that to amuse myself, and it always worked.

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.