My mother paid eight dollars a month for rent. When she had it. Mostly we were evicted, because she couldnt afford to pay the eight dollars a month.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.

Every actor looks all his life for a part that will combine his talents with his personality... 'The Odd Couple' was mine. That was the plutonium I needed. It all started happening after that.

I always had one ear offstage, listening for the call from the bookie.

The first girl you go to bed with is always pretty.