A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

I usually get my stuff from people who promised somebody else that they would keep it a secret.

A certain columnist has been banned from all Shubert openings. Now he can wait three days and go to their closings.

It's a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.

The reason they're called the opposite sex is because every time you think you have your wife fooled - it's just the opposite!

She's been on more laps than a napkin.

A pessimist is one who builds dungeons in the air.