I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them....well it's killing me!

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.