Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian,' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.