I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them....well it's killing me!

I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.