I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.

I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.