I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?
Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.
The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.
I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.
I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.