I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.

I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian,' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.