I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.

I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.