I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.

I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.

In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.