One of the challenges you will face is finding a job in our depressed economy, ... In fact, the chances of finding a job are about as good as finding weapons of mass destruction in the Iraqi desert -- slim and none, and slim just left the building.

Often times I'm confronted with a quote that I don't remember saying. So, on one hand it's very flattering, it is just so surreal.

There's always going to be someone as funny as you or funnier.

I think my new iPhone 5S is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work

Why not work with your friends? It's working with people you know, and you share the same sensibility.

I'm a selective pack rat. There's some things I have no problem getting rid of and others I hold onto dearly.

I put my pants on just like the rest of you - one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records.